old habits die hard

some people or situations just bring out habits you wish would just die. it's so hard to lead a christian lifestyle around them. no matter how much you tell yourself "what kind of example do you want to be tonight?" the old you just resurfaces like you never washed it away...it's like a stain that comes back even though you have bleached it out. it haunts you.
somewhere in my heart of hearts i know that i do not want that lifestyle anymore and that I "old Susan" died the moment i got baptized....well at least it should have been. it all comes down to choices, but when you are caught up in the moment, the wrong choice seems like the right choice at the time when you absolutely know it's the wrong choice. it's like that chapter in Romans where Paul talks about doing what he's not supposed to and not doing what he's supposed to do (Romans 7:15-25)
ok..wow...i was just looking up that portion of romans and was directly brought to Romans 6 - dead to sin, alive in christ.
anyway, so that's been my conviction this weekend..it's been a struggle lately.

week 2 - night 5 - 00:58

it's been a crazy night already. we had a kid in the OR when I got here and he just got back about 30 minutes ago and we just got a kid from the NICU who was brought here from Columbus, GA. They just found out he has TGA (transposition of the great arteries: when your Aorta & Pulmonary Artery are reversed...bad news bears) and he was born yesterday..which i think might have been monday?
Anyway, i have learned some stuff, but some of it i remember. if i don't know it, i look it up.
i am hoping to go observe a surgery in the next couple of weeks. maybe during december...that month seems pretty light.
well, i am signing off for now.

5:55 AM - night 3

didn't sleep well at all yesterday either...i think this time i am eating breakfast before I go to bed today. tonight is my last night for the week....whew!

there are some sick babies in here...all have cardiac problems they were born with. there are a couple that are tiny..but they were all created just the same. who knows how God is going to use their defect to impact the lives of others. i have to believe that.
there is one here that had open heart surgery yesterday for HLHS - hypoplastic left heart sydrome - meaning that the whole left side of her heart did not develop fully. so in turn, the mitral valve & aortic valve are either tiny or absent as well as the left ventricle and the first part of the aorta. that is major! the only way to survive is with open heart surgery either with a heart transplant or staged palliation, which comes in 3 operations - the norwood, which is done right after birth and changes the right ventricle into the main ventricle; the bidirectional glenn, which is done at about 6 months of age and directs half the blood returning from the body to the lungs. The last operation, the Fontan operation, is done at 2 years of age and diverts all of the blood returning from the body to the lungs. The survival rate of about 5 years old is 70-75%. Can you imagine having all of that surgery done by the time you were 2 years old?!
Anyway, she was brought up tonight and while I was stocking the room cart, i peeked over and could see her tiny little chest open and her tiny little heart beating. I am still amazed, even though I have seen it before.

God wasn't playing around when he made us.

3:44 a.m - Night One

night shift...again...i didn't sleep at all today, so i am surprised that I am even conscious. maybe it was that quadruple shot latte i had at 7:00 from starbucks...i should try that again. my eyes are burning from my contacts...maybe next time i will bring my case & solution and my glasses...

anywho, i am glad to be back in the CICU. it was a good environment for me to learn in. one of the nurses is going try and get me in on a case with one of the surgeons...that would be awesome! it's quite most of the time, except for the occasional alarms & whatnot...

i am ready for school.. i am ready to have my second chance at making a life & career for myself. i have wasted so many opportunities because it was hard and i gave up...well not this time gosh darnit!! i refuse to give up! no matter how hard it will be, i will not give into the stress. this time around i know what i can eliminate from my schedule and get my priorities straight...I am freakin 31 years old and it's about time i grew up and became an adult.

good morning!

another year is coming to a close

wow...i don't even know how to describe the past year. it's been a lot of good moments and a lot of bad moments..but that's life, right?
i think it all started going bad in October when all in one week I moved out on my own, got fired, went on a mission trip for the first time and turned 30...it was definitely the most emotional week i have ever had. After that it just became stressful to even live.
Before October was really good, I went on my first Singles LDR, which was really great. I loved listening to Donald Miller and the worship music was amazing. I started hanging out with a really great guy and we seemed to hit it off quite well, until February of this year, when I think our dynamic with each other changed. But people are in your life for a season..so i guess that was it for us. I met a lot of people at 722, ran my first 10k & Peachtree this year, found some old friends, went to two weddings.
so there has been equal share of good times & bad times. I am trying to focus on the good times because that's what makes me happy and just thinking about the bad times lets the devil control my thoughts and my actions...and that is something I don't want.

So, on to another year of my life. We'll see what happens!

i feel.....

alone
angry
ashamed
guilty
jealous
sad

ever consuming thoughts

i am not even sure what the heck i want to write...
sometimes i just have fleeting thoughts about the day or about anything in general.

*i daydream about leaving my job and not even giving a 2 week notice
*i constantly think about the day i will become debt, which is December 19, 2008
*i constantly think about what the hell i did with my life, but am comforted by the fact that I am turing around and go back down the right path
*i constantly think about the state of our world and why sometimes i don't care
*i sometimes get angry with God for not having a relationship when it seems everyone else around me is in one
*i am grateful for all that i have

complain, groan.....but praise

*being so tired that your short term memory becomes a millisecond
*harboring feelings of jealousy & anger
*hating my job
*excited for school to start
*ready to just have one job that i love and that i can't go another day without
*still harboring more than friends feelings for someone that i can't seem to get off my mind no matter how hard i pray or try to discipline myself...BLAH!
*thankful for an amazing family..not just my biological one
*thankful that i am not as bad off as some people...so why am i complaining?

sorry to a friend

dear friend,
i don't know what i have done in the past couple of days but i feel like we aren't even friends anymore. we have barely talked the past few days and even the past few months. am i crazy? sure we go out, but it's only once in a while. i miss our friendship because you're a nice person and i really enjoy hanging out with you.
if you're reading this, i am sorry.

December 19, 2008

this day is D-F day...meaning Debt Free day!! This is a day that I have waited around for for 10 years!!! 10 years of bondage and struggling to pay debts and being late and having that uncomfortable call from credit card companies...that is the worst feeling in the world. I hope that you don't have to go through that. I hope that I will NEVER have to be under this kind of slavery again...well accept maybe house and car. But now I have learned from my parents and some really good friends and Dave Ramsey, of course, that you can be financially confident. This is such a huge weight to have to bare. sometimes i felt like even God couldn't take it away from me. But he has given me skills and i have learned that i have a fighting spirit and more motivation to get rid of a lot of garbage that i have held on to the past 10 years.
I will be celebrating that day! What a great way to start off 2009!

Wednesday is whatevs day

i feel lonely at work....almost all the time. i keep to myself b/c i don't want to talk about anything b/c i know how this place is about folks. i don't want to talk about school, my life or anything..is that bad since most of your life is spent at work......i was just given more responsibility here at work. I will be scheduling for all of cornea...which is great that i am getting more responsibility....but there is that part of me that wonders if i should stay. i want to go back to school b/c i am too smart and i worked to hard to earn my degree to settle for $12/hour!!!! i am making as much as someone with a freaking HS diploma...what's up with that?
maybe God is trying to humble me with little because He knows i can't be responsible with a lot just yet.

God Is There

I pulled this from one of my favorite sites - Stuff Christians Like. I really dig this guy's writing. This post really spoke to me today because I feel like this way too often in my life. I know I am a Christian and I know the Holy Spirit lives inside my heart and I know that God is everywhere all the time (psalm 139), but there are sometimes where I do doubt that God is seeing the things that I do, whether good or bad. Thanks Jon for having such a great site....sarcasm and scripture!
"All too often, I am a two-year old closing my eyes. I am a child misbehaving. I am a toddler that thinks that as soon as I mess up and my little world goes dark with sin and I feel that I can no longer see God, that He can no longer see me. The moment I make a decision that shuts Him out, He does the same to me. When I can't see Him, He can't see me.Job deals with this in chapter 23, verse 9. In the midst of everything that happens to him, he admits:When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.I like that. I like that Job admits that he doesn't see God right now. Sometimes people try to make you feel guilty that you don't "feel led" in a certain direction by God. That despite trying your best, in the north and the south you catch no glimpse of God and that is a failure. But Job knows it's not about that. Job knows that our ability to see God is not the litmus test to prove if God is there or not. In verse 10 he says,But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.God sees me. When I am filthy and covered with bad life decisions, He sees me. When I have dug deep pits and have stayed there so long that they have started rerouting my mail to the pit, He sees me. When I succeed and celebrate, He sees me. When I am good or bad or stuck believing that life is about being good or bad, He sees me.And even if I don't see him, that doesn't mean He is gone. He is in the north. He is in the south. And at some point, I will come forth as gold."

viewpoints 6/16/2008

*how many times a week do you go to starbucks to where people know your name and what you order? friday 6/13 7:35 a.m

*when you don't get a lot of sleep, you get stupid. all weekend

*there are people out there who make comments to someone that hurts their feelings and that person will never know. sunday 6/15 7:45 p.m.

*i love my parents with all my heart. they are the two greatest people i know. sunday 6/15 3:00 p.m.

life is good

work

just really one comment today:

working where I do is kind of like living in an extremely small town or high school...everyone knows everyones business and people take things so personally...gossip is like breathing to these people...this is why i don't talk to folks here or try not to get caught up in he said/she said bull..it's so disheartening when I see grown women play games and talk about each other..it's like high school never ended.
do women ever break out of that habit?

office moving

so the doctor's office i work for is going to be moving by november 15th.....to Cumberland Pkwy...since i am moving back home for a few months while I get debt free/go back to school., it's going to be miserable driving 285 everyday...really hoping i get in spring semester..but things might be changing here at the office. i may have a new responsibility, which is way cool..to be continued. i am going to apply anyway and see what happens on either end.
i am trying to not let the devil convince me that I am a loser for moving back home. i am trying not to let him convince me that no one will want to date a 31 yr old woman that lives in her parent's basement..i am trying to convince myself that it's for the greater good of my mental health and that it's only temporary.

weekend update

* i hung out with some really cool people on Friday night. I went walking with a girl I recently met from Fusion/Waumba Land. She seems really cool. Then we went to eat mexican with about 10 other people..one of them being this really good looking guy who shall remain nameless for the time being. I think I would like to get to know him better...more on a spiritual level.

*Saturday I worked, of course..it's been really tiring lately working 2 jobs, but I know that in the end it will ultimately pay off because I am going to be debt free by the end of the year!!!! I am having a party the day that it happens. Then I hung out with my two favoritest people, Lauren & Autumn. I would consider them my two best friends. I am missing the 3rd b/c she is in Minnesota.

*Sunday was Waumba Land/Church as usual. Had lunch with Mom, which was nice, then went to Barnes & Noble..which was a great way to relax and cool off.

Even though I feel like I am on the outer ring of hell b/c it's so hot here in the ATL, that's ok because I am breathing and I have come to realize that I have a great life.

Viewpoints - Braves Game 6/4/2008

* guy with 'fromullet, cut-off jean shorts, a red wife-beater tank top & L. A. Gears - I really wish i had a photo of this

*too many girls dressed up - what's up with sparkle tank tops and having your hair done like you're about to walk down the aisle?

*The Ted charges you the same price for a CUP OF ICE as a coke

viewpoints of my surroundings

*it is freaking HOT...already

*some women in atlanta need learn how dress...meaning wear the correct color bra under a white shirt...but some could start by wearing a bra...come on...NO ONE wants to see that!!

*gas prices stink in the city

*the skyline is completely beautiful at night in the summertime

*i have the best girlfriends ever

*God is extremely creative

*meeting new people rocks

Faith

faith= believing that God is who he says he is and that He does what he says he will do. but what does MY faith depend on?? does it depend on if I get that job? get that relationship? get to stay in my apartment? get fired? get cancer? lose a loved one? my faith should not be determined by my circumstances. no matter what, I should always, always, always, believe that God wants the best for me...and if I am not willing to surrender ALL OF MY LIFE to him, then I should not be disappointed or angry with him when he doesn't come through in one area of my life....that really hit me hard this morning during service. i feel like i am missing out on huge blessings or a huge potential to let Jesus shine through me when there is blockage in my soul....you know like when your arteries get clogged with cholesterol and you have a heart attack....the blockage, whatever it might be, pains my heart and there is a certain pressure that is only specific to "blockage"one of my favorite songs is "Lift High" - - - broken people call his name....lift high your chains undone...ransom paid and freedom won....sinners exalt the son....Jesus Christ, the Holy One...lift up your heads, look on him.that's all we need to do..instead of walking around looking down, we need to look up to Jesus..He will direct us where we need to go...it's all about surrender...SURRENDER. SURRENDER...daily...SURRENDER IT ALL!!

new environment

ever have the desire to breakaway from your current, familiar surroundings? to leave all that you have known, the people that you have met, the church that you call your home and just start all over again....kind of like a rebirthing of your spirit?
this is where I am at right now in my life. I have felt this way for quite sometime...i fear leaving my friends and my church and my parents..i have a fear of failure in a new city...failure of not meeting new people, of not liking a job or even the town I thought was going to change me.
i think that is what has kept me in Atlanta...i need to breakaway

What I Learned This Past Weekend

This past weekend was Easter and the days leading up to it. Easter is a time of transformation and redemption through the death of Jesus Christ. On Friday, which was Good Friday, I was watching 20/20 and they were doing a story on prostitution in America (this ties in eventually). It was incredibly sad and frustrating. These girls do not realize how worthy they are and that they do have a choice on how to provide for themselves other than this. One state, Nevada, has legalized prostitution, or actually legalized brothels. They were covering what goes on there and interviewing some girls. 2 of them really stood out. One was a 21 year old girl whose dream it was to become a nurse. she felt that this was her only option to be able to pay for nursing school. That really bothered me. Because you can wait tables..it's not like paying for medical school. Another girl they interviewed was already a nurse. She said that she could make more money in a day there than in 2 weeks of nursing..Is that what it's really all about?? The money? One girl was even a college graduate and an opera singer...HELLO!! A lot of these girls stated they feel ashamed or guilty for what they do, but they feel they have no other options...Media glamorizes this "profession" to make it sound wonderful, exciting and adventurous...like the movie "Pretty Woman"...I am sure in some circumstances that it would turn out that way..but in reality, more times than not, it would not be a fairy tale. Can you imagine having sex everyday for money, without any emotion towards the person you were doing it with?? I can't.
My heart just broke for these girls that they think they have no other option to survive...there are ways...plenty of ways to survive and get off drugs and not have to be worried about if you're going to get abused or killed when meeting a "potential client". Plenty of ways to respect your body, to respect yourself.
I really want to find out how to help these girls get out of this lifestyle.

4 Months Later

HAPPY NEW YEAR....March 21, 2008

a lot has happened the past 4 months...here's a quick recap:

got job for holidays to tide me over
got job permanently
lost 11 lbs
ran my first 10K (well, 4 out of the 6 miles) in the snow
decided to go back to school in the summer of '08

God has showed me a lot of things during this time. He has proven faithful as a provider as I was able to pay rent for 2 months, my bills and have food...so He is totally trustworthy...and I LOVE THAT about Him.